


Happy Birthday

by makingtriangles (electricbloo)



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Humor, Kink Meme, Masturbation, Prostate Massage, Solo, Vibrator
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-29
Updated: 2011-12-29
Packaged: 2017-10-28 11:22:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,641
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/307357
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/electricbloo/pseuds/makingtriangles
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John receives a baffling birthday present from Dave.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Happy Birthday

**Author's Note:**

> OK this is just completely shameless. :]
> 
> Done for the kink meme: http://homesmut.livejournal.com/14212.html?thread=25705092#t25705092

John thought he knew himself pretty well. He would be seventeen in four months, which is quite a few years to have lived, he thought. Being practically an adult comes with a lot of responsibility, and John thought he was handling it all really well. Driving a car, going on a date, having a part-time job, you know, Grown Up Stuff. But, apparently, growing up, along with those 'proud of you, son's and crowning moments of maturity, also involved a lot of unpleasant surprises about one's own character and preferences. Things that…one could spent the entire earlier part of one's life not really thinking would be a thing, ever. Not even _conceiving_ of the _state_ of its being a thing. But, then, somehow, one thing leads to another and one finds oneself alone at home with a raging boner, staring down the barrel of a slinky, sparkly, pink vibrator.

Now we're going to back up a little, in order to let poor confused, horny John stall a little longer with his decision. It all started around John's sixteenth birthday. He was expecting presents from all his internet friends on different days during the week, and today was the day the online tracker said "package is on route" about Dave's. _Oh my gosh_ John was so excited, and he kept an eye on the street out front _all day_ for the mail truck.

The package was only about a foot long, maybe six inches wide, and John could barely sign for it he was so excited. He dropped the package when the mail guy handed it to him, then dropped the pen after he finished signing and oh man that was embarrassing. But whatever! Package achieved! He scurried up to his room with Dave's package ("only thing im gonna tell you about the present is open that shit by yourself"). He had no idea what it could be.

Inside the shipping box there was another box, wrapped in Christmas paper, which made John laugh. There was a note on the front:

"hey egbert  
maybe this is the year youll finally have stashed away enough mandirt or whatever to be able to stand up and proudly claim  
yeah motherfuckers i'm a grown male of the human species  
so hope this present helps  
happy birthday"

More cryptic messages from Dave. Dave was a cryptic guy though. Oh. What? Oh no. What the…???

John stared down at the aforementioned vibrator ("Your BFF: Slim Silky Soft Waterproof Vibe"), trying to make it make sense, somehow, but he just couldn't make that happen. He carefully placed it on the desk and backed away, cheeks flaming red, wide eyes trained on it in case, what? It escaped? After fighting through several layers of cognitive dissonance, the reality of the situation finally started to sink in and John was able to ask himself some very important questions, like:

Q. What _is_ that??  
A. It's a sex toy.

Q. Where did Dave get it??  
A. The internet? Probably.

Q. WHY??????  
A. Prankster's gambit? Nah, this is Dave. It must be ironic somehow.

OK. Ironic it was, and ironic it was getting shoved in the back of his closet where it would disappear forever and stop making him blush all the way from his chest to his hairline. It stayed back there for months, and really, John had forgotten about it completely until a late night wikitrail led to his mind being completely blown upon discovering the existence of the prostate. Nope, he discovered, it's _not_ just a thing that old guys get cancer in. And suddenly a lot more things made sense like, why you would ever want anal sex, which was something that John always thought was pretty weird and didn't like to think about. It must be admitted that his mind flashed oh-so-briefly to _trying it himself_ , but the thought was quickly shaken out of his head and his attention was turned to other things and that was the extent of his sexual discoveries for a night and, subsequently, for the next month or so.

But the image was still there, all balled up with curiosity, stashed way back in the unconscious recesses of John's mind like a vibrator hidden in a closet. And that image would resurface, sometimes, and that curiosity would unball itself, and if John happened to be jerking off at the time of the resurfacing that curiosity would shift, too subtly for John to really notice exactly when it happened, into a _desire_ that would coil itself all hot and needy up John's spine, shiver all over his skin, fill him all up with a greedy desperation until orgasm would slam into him like a freight train.

Oh god. He wanted to try it. He wanted to try it so bad, and he was already so hard at the prospect that getting his zipper down was going to be a delicate task.

Dad wasn't home, wouldn't be home until 6:30 or so. It was almost 4:00. Plenty of time to do…things, then clean up and recover himself afterwards. OK. Supplies. Batteries, two AAs, check. Vaseline. Um. Check? Towel, check. Vibrator…

John finally found it in the back of the closet, and felt his cheeks heat up a little in humiliation. It was the most ridiculously girly object John had ever seen. Dave surely couldn't have intended for him to actually _use_ it.

Right?

Batteries in, OK. Testing… _oh god_ , there it goes. Turn it off! OK. Check.

Door locked, blinds drawn. Bed stripped down to sheets. OK. Breathe. OK.

Might as well do this right. John pulled his shirt over his head, shivering as the fabric brushed over his nipples. His pants were next; he groaned in relief when his cock was freed, and pushed them down over his hips and stripped them off along with his socks. He opened the tub of vaseline with shaking hands, rubbing some all over the first several fingers of his right hand before slicking down the shaft of the vibrator and setting it beside him on the towel. Panting with arousal and embarrassment, John climbed onto the bed on all fours, supporting himself with his left forearm, his ass in the air. He spread his legs wider, exposing himself completely, and the feeling of that somehow was just one enormous exclamation point after the word YES. He let himself savor the moment, breath coming hard and fast, cock straining against his stomach.

The first finger felt _weird_. Weird and cold, but not painful. He pushed it in farther, until it was in as far as it would go, and oh, oh, somehow that was _good_. He pulled it out, rubbed his fingers around his entrance, spreading the lubricant and letting out a soft moan as he pushed in two fingers this time.

Still not painful, really, but this time the feeling of "weird" almost overpowered the feeling of "good." But he stilled his hand and forced himself to relax, until, yes, there we go, oh, wow. His cock throbbed at the feeling of being so full, and John was so turned on by all this that the third finger didn't even feel as weird as the second. He pushed them in farther, gasping as he's opened wider and wider, until his fingers are buried up the knuckles. Still not deep enough, but…

He pulled his fingers out, wiping them on the towel, then grabbed the vibrator in a haze of arousal. He put it on its lowest setting, and the low buzzing noise it made was a little uncomfortable-making but he wanted this too much to care. He positioned the blunt end of it at his entrance, and pushed it in, slowly, carefully, getting used to the feel of it. The vibrations sent strange shivery sensations all over his skin, but they were good sensations, so he kept pushing it in, deeper and deeper, angling it until, oh…

OH.

John's back arched, his cry of pleasure muffled in his pillow, his legs spreading wider, electric pleasure shooting suddenly up through his groin. He held still, small whimpers of surprise escaping his lips and after a moment he pushed the vibrator in deeper, just barely, just enough for the vibrations to shudder across that fucking _amazing_ spot.

The tiny part of John's mind that was still self-aware was astonished and a lot embarrassed about the _noises_ he was making. High, gratified, _sexy_ noises that he didn't even know he was capable of, and they were getting higher and louder as he pushed the vibrator in just a hair more until it was oh, oh god, too much, and he pulled it out slightly, pushed it back in, until he was fucking himself with it, slick and open and trembling all over, getting higher and higher. He was close, so, so close, his cock leaking precome all over the sheets, and he shoved the vibrator in deep, holding it still and letting it buzz hard against his prostate and he was coming, coming harder than he'd ever come in his life.

In his post-orgasm haze John somehow managed to pull out the vibrator, toss it onto the towel, and roll over onto his side, avoiding the wet spot. Little shocks of pleasure were still shooting through him, all over his oversensitive skin, and he tried desperately to calm his breathing. A little later he'd get uncomfortable enough to want to go shower, and he'd end up jerking off again when efforts to clean the vaseline off just resulted in him pushing a couple of fingers into himself and it was all over from there.

And maybe a little later, he thought, it might dawn on him what he'd actually gone and done, and it would freak him out, but until then…well. Happy birthday indeed.


End file.
